Who will be the next world icon?

“It may have happened, it may not have happened but it could have happened.” 
― Mark Twain

Hello kids! How is the underage world these days? I ask because I no longer belong to it.

Yes, I have happily and finally acquired the status of an adult. Although nobody actually sees me as an adult and nobody actually takes me serious, I can rub it in the faces of my underage friends and taste a bit of power.

Being 18 in Europe gives you some perks.

First of all, you can drive. Although the US may think that it’s ok to put 16 year-olds in control of a death machine, here in Europe we like to put to good use our ability to think. And let me tell you, driving gets you places. Literally. Yes, you will also be the unofficial driver amongst your friends, but you can always play the guilt card and get them to do stuff for you (yes, I’m slightly evil, but if you’re just figuring that out now you have no place here).

Besides driving, you can buy whatever you freaking want (as long as it’s legal). Want to leave the country? That’s nobody’s business but yours. Feel like drinking a flaming shot of something that’s basically pure alcohol? You got it! Want some cigars so you’ll look like a sir? Here they are! Want to visit a strip club, a sex shop? Come on in! The possibilities are endless, my friend.

And guess what? That’s where the beauty of it all relies, in the possibilities. Because I know I can leave the country alone and without telling anyone about it, and I know I can go to a strip club, but guess what? I won’t. Because I might be an adult, but my parents don’t think so. So even though I can walk around and brag that I’m 18, I still tremble when I face my parents wrath, just like I did when I was 12.

Also, I may legally be able to do all of the above, but so do my 17-year-old friends in 98% of the cases. Because let’s face it, no one will ask you your ID card, so legally is exactly the key word here. Then I guess that being 18 in not that much different that being 17.

However, before I leave, here’s three cool things to do when you reach majority:

1.    Say: “I can do whatever I want, I’m 18”

2.    Tell one of your friends “You’ll understand when you’re an adult like me” in a condescending tone.

3.    Walk up to an older man or woman and say “Hey there, I’m eighteen and legal, you know”

The Joker,

Sophie Grey

         

“Why do you have to be the same as the others? ...Most of them are stupid.” ― Ken Follett, Winter of the World

Hey cutie pies, what have you been up to?

Let’s get down to business (not that business, clam down) and discuss a matter that affects us all: globalization, yeah!

         Go ahead, say stuff like “Oh no, no, I am not affected by globalization, I have my own culture and blah blah”, as you sip from your Starbucks coffee or your Diet Coke while texting on your smartphone. Truth is, you do get affected, so zip it.

         And now that we’ve established that you are just another sheep in this standardized world (it could be worse, sheep are really cute, especially baby sheep), we should get our thinking caps on and wonder: is globalization good or bad?

         Let’s make the most out of my latent obsessive compulsive disorder and make a list, shall we?

1.    It gave us awesome and delicious food such as pizza, tacos and others (PRO). However, that’s what brought obesity to Europe (CON).

2.    It introduced us to TV shows such as How I Met Your Mother and movies such as Harry Potter, the Lord of the Rings, masterpieces that changed the face of humanity (ups, my nerdiness awesomeness is showing). But…and this is a terrible ‘but’, it poisoned us with shows such as 16 and pregnant and  movies such as District 9 (say what you like, but for me, that movie was as bad as

3.    Through globalization we embraced gorgeous fashion such as the mini skirt, high heels, and studs (which make you feel totally badass). But (yep, another but), we also embraced shoulder pads and leg warmers and bell bottoms (yes, I’m referring to the 80’s, that decade’s fashion should be ashamed of itself)

4.    Don’t get me started on the music!! On the one hand, performers such as Queen, The Beatles, Bon Jovi, Adele. And on the other hand…you have the peak of human stupidity with Nicky Minaj, Justin Bieber and One Direction. Their music gives people cancer.

So far we have a pro for each con. I could continue but the pattern would repeat itself. So, kids, what did we learn today? That globalization can’t be classified as good or bad, it’s just as everything in life. Oh my, look at me so philosophical, I should have my own TV show (and it would certainly be better than crap like Toddlers and Tiaras. I wonder if USA’s social services are still functioning).

         Your role, as a regular citizen is to fight the brutalities and to enjoy the wonders that come from globalization.

         My job here is done, I should go, my people needs me!

The Joker,

Sophie Grey

        

«I think the reason Jesus is so popular, just on a celebrity level, is that he died at the peak of his career»

-Mark Maron

      Hi there, this is Sophie, and I’m back to provide you your weekly dose of that sweet, sweet madness.

      Today, I’m here to speak to you about human rights, and as such, I was supposed to choose a personality. Well, I say that everyone else can keep their Martin Luther King, Ghandi, Mandela, Mother Theresa, Obama and Santa Claus, because I have chosen to interview the most famous human rights activist ever. Hold on to your hats, because this is the second coming of our savior: Jesus Christ super star.

      You’re probably wondering how I got this interview. Well, let’s just say that I moved a few strings, called in some favors, and long story short, my people got in touch with his people, and we finally met in a lovely café. This is how it went:

“Hello Mr. Christ, thank you for coming; it’s a pleasure to have you here with me.

You’re welcome; please call me Jesus, hon.

First of all, I’d like to ask you, do you consider yourself a human rights activist?

Of course, I think that my extreme awesomeness obligates me to protect everyone, especially those who are weaker. I mean, not everyone can be the savior of all mankind and still have this luscious brown hair. Am I right?

Well, but how do you feel about those who are called heretics?

I have nothing against them. As I see it, this is pretty much like children and Santa. The children who believe get presents, the other ones don’t. Except that in this case, the non believers are not passing on a scooter or a Barbie that comes with its own car, their passing on eternity in heaven. And let me tell you, in Heaven, there are unicorns, pizza and nobody says stupid stuff like ‘YOLO’. Since they won’t enjoy all that, I think that’s just another reason so we should all be nice to them down here on Earth.

And what is your opinion towards all the different races?

I’m all for equality, I love everyone. In fact, I taught everyone on Heaven the choreography to Gangnam Style, and I even allowed Morgan Freeman to play me in Bruce Almighty, he’s like my brother from another mother. I respect all of my daddy’s creations.

How about women?

I must apologize to all men, but let’s face it, they’re the one who spice things up in life. Plus, they have the power to conceive, multitask and all that. Yeah, I like the ladies.

The next question, Jesus, may be somewhat delicate. A lot has been said and done about this, but I’d like to know your exclusive opinion on homosexuality.

Ah, thank you for asking that, Sophie. I want human race to consider this: if I was a homophobe, do you think I would have made Matt Bomer so good looking, or Neil Patrick Harris so awesome? And for all of those saying that “it is Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve”… I just have to say that making it rhyme won’t make you look less like a jerk. Don’t like gay marriage? Don’t get gay married.

Strong words Jesus, strong words. Following up, some of my readers asked that you would speak of miracles such as you turning water into wine, and walking on water.

Well…that was a long time ago. I was just a teenager and frankly my dad got pretty pissed about those things. The truth is that turning water into wine was a dare from St. Peter, and I only walked on water to impress a girl. I mean, all she spoke of was how awesome Moses was…and I’m way cooler than him. Sure he parted the red sea, but he wouldn’t have to do it if he could walk on water.

Concluding, would you like to leave a final message to everyone out there?

Yes. Treat everyone equal and eat your vegetables. Even the brussels sprouts, don’t discriminate.”

      I must say that after this interview I really felt inspired. That was, until I realized that Jesus had stolen my purse and that that beardy, hairy guy wasn’t Jesus Christ and was probably just a schizophrenic that went off his meds. However, although his mind wasn’t in the right place, his heart certainly was, so I think we can all learn a lesson from Fake Jesus.

      Whenever you’re fighting for equality, do what you have to do, remember: God impregnated a virgin, if He’s not playing by the rules, neither should you.

      This week’s assignment is almost over. But, once again, I have to thank two people. First of all, a special thank you to Poison Ivy, who reads through my weekly shenanigans without complaining. And last but not least, I’d like to thank the sweetest, most annoying guy ever, who actually inspired me to write this. Thanks S.

The Joker,

Sophie Grey

“May all your troubles last as long as your New Year's resolutions.”
-Joey Adams

Happy holidays cutie pies! Isn’t it a lovely day today? If you are wondering if I was drinking to be in this enthusiastic state, the answer is no, I wasn’t. Yet. I am just over the moon because I am on vacation! I mean, compared to the three months I get each summer, these two weeks may seem meaningless, but they are actually a blessing.

I may be on the verge of becoming religious since I’ve experienced a true Christmas miracle: not a single one of my teachers sent us homework. None. Not even my Portuguese teacher!! And there are only two possible explanations: either he has early onset Alzheimer’s and forgot or God Himself felt sorry for all of us and made sure we had no homework.

            But either waaaay, these holidays are already getting better. Christmas is that magical time of year when we can give in to our materialistic cravings and not feel guilty about it. Besides, don’t forget about all the food! This year I plan to eat my way through the holidays, I’ll deal with the guilt and the extra 17kg later. I can even put it in my list of New Year’s resolutions. I already wrote it, and here it is:

1.      Find a cure for the New Year’s party hangover.

2.      Loose the holiday’s gained wait.

3.      Don’t be such an idiot.

4.      Get my driver’s license.

And the first goal of my list leads me to my next topic: New Years Réveillon! If Christmas is a family holiday, then New Year is every liver’s worst nightmare. You know what they say: brand new year, brand new life hangover. I haven’t figured out what are exactly my plans. At first I was torn between Las Vegas (What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas, isn’t it right, Prince Harry?), and renting a private jet (What’s classier than a party in the sky?), but then I remembered: Oh wait, I’m NOT a billionaire. So I’ll probably just go out with my friends, better than nothing.

            This is it for today, if you, unlike me, are a billionaire and own a private jet, I’m open to invitations and would be more than happy to delight you with my witty remarks. I’ll see you next year, happy holidays everyone.

 The Joker,

Sophie Grey

“Power was my weakness and my temptation.”
― J.K. Rowling, Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows

                Hey there, how are my favorite loonies doing? This week’s post is about the most epic subject of all times: me. Can I get a round of applause? Thanks, you’re lovely. But, carrying on, I’ve put my talent to write random non-sense to good use, and decided to tell you about my week. And it has been a heck of a week! I seem to have a special gift. And this curse gift causes me to get involved in pretty much anything that will eventually consume a good deal of time and energy. That being said, I have found myself caught in a political jungle. I am part of a group that’s running for my school’s domination student association.

               Since we’re a small school, there are only sixty senior students, and those sixty ended up divided into three groups: the team L, the team M (which was indubitably superior in absolutely everything), and the truly smart people who didn’t get involved in the feud. We all know each other’s names, and gossip and rumors spread faster than the plague. So it is fair to say that there was little bit of rivalry between us all. And this “little bit” occasionally translated to a sudden urge to punch some people in the face.

            For the (thankfully) short period of a week, we forgot we were all friends and a craving for power took over. Now, you might be wondering: Why? Why did both groups wanted to win so badly? Honestly, that remains a mystery given that whoever wins will simply gain more work and responsibility. But we wanted it, oh we wanted it bad! Just the satisfaction of winning was enough; the power to spend the rest of the school year bragging about our glorious victory. If someone offered us the job, we might have said no. But, as in a playground, we wanted the one toy that that other kid was playing with, even though there were dozens of other toys laying around.

            And so there was a clash of titans; we gazed fiercely at each other, we fought, we accused our opponents of stealing our ideas, of stealing our credit, and both sides struggled to be always one step ahead of the other. We were idiots.

             But now it’s over, we still don’t know who won, but… does it really matter? The answer: YES. I want to win. (Sorry, but we can’t all be altruistic and selfless, I mean I’m human, give me a break).

 The Joker,

Sophie Grey

"Everyone is a moon, and has a dark side which he never shows to anybody."

- Mark Twain

       Hello, my wicked friends, how’s life been treating you? Not too well, I hope. Once again, I’m here to entertain you and make you giggle like a school girl. Let's speak of the eternal battle between good and evil, shall we? Do you know the novel Dr Jekyll & Mr Hyde? Since you’re all ignorants, I bet you don’t. So, this is not only the literary version of the bipolar disorder, it is also a perfect example of good vs evil, a clash of titans you don’t want to miss! At your right, ladies and gentleman, weighting whatever he weighs, let’s hear it for Dr. Jekyyyyll!!! And his opponent; at your left, weighting 66,6Kg, Mr. Hyyyyde!!! Let’s give it up for both of them

      Moving on, now that I’ve stopped being an idiot (…Is that even possible?), lets get down to business. This is a story of deep carnal love between two men and their sexual encounters... Just kidding (although that might be fun to read during a class), this is a story of a man named Dr. Jekyll. This man appears to be a true gentleman, doing good and all that crap. However, Dr. Jekyll is a total nut job who has a dark side. But his dark side is not like everyone else’s, because he invented a drug (that junkie) which allows his worse half to come alive. He has a body and all! And his name, of course, is Mr. Hyde. Now, Mr. Hyde doesn’t take crap from anyone, he’s the kind of guy you don’t want to find yourself alone with in a dark alley. Which is kind of a shame isn’t it? Because when you think about bad boys, you think about a risk taker, sexy badass; not a twisted, repulsive man who runs over little children. But I guess that’s life isn’t it? Some people call it karma, I call it a bitch.

       Unfortunately, everything in life has a dark side, even gummy bears. Even I do, although I’m not entirely sure what it is, and maybe I should call it my stupid side, other than my dark side since it consists in occasionally eating like a bear and saying nonsense. Actually, do you know what do I do when I feel that strong, unstoppable, almighty urge to say something idiotic? I write in my blog! Everyone should have people to read their stupidities, I mean it, this is better than therapy.

       But concerning good and evil…I have another one of my theories. This one is called “You haven’t seen half of it”, and it’s based on the Murphy’s Law, which states that anything that can go wrong will go wrong. This law has a bucket load of variants, and one of them says: if things start out well, they end up badly.  And if things start out badly, they end up even worse”. So, translating this to the good-evil duality, when you meet someone good, you think they must have a dark side. You’re right. And when you meet someone bad, you think that they must have a better side right? NO!! The point is that it’s always downhill from that point on. So, my advice? Get the hell out of there before you come across atrocities such as prostitution, organized crime, or, the worst of them all… someone chewing with their mouth open.

       So, stay delusional and don’t show anyone your dark side. I’ll see you next week, but before I go, I’ll give you something to reflect on: if I eat myself, will I disappear or be twice as big?

The Joker,

Sophie Grey