«I think the reason Jesus is so popular, just on a celebrity level, is that he died at the peak of his career»

-Mark Maron

      Hi there, this is Sophie, and I’m back to provide you your weekly dose of that sweet, sweet madness.

      Today, I’m here to speak to you about human rights, and as such, I was supposed to choose a personality. Well, I say that everyone else can keep their Martin Luther King, Ghandi, Mandela, Mother Theresa, Obama and Santa Claus, because I have chosen to interview the most famous human rights activist ever. Hold on to your hats, because this is the second coming of our savior: Jesus Christ super star.

      You’re probably wondering how I got this interview. Well, let’s just say that I moved a few strings, called in some favors, and long story short, my people got in touch with his people, and we finally met in a lovely café. This is how it went:

“Hello Mr. Christ, thank you for coming; it’s a pleasure to have you here with me.

You’re welcome; please call me Jesus, hon.

First of all, I’d like to ask you, do you consider yourself a human rights activist?

Of course, I think that my extreme awesomeness obligates me to protect everyone, especially those who are weaker. I mean, not everyone can be the savior of all mankind and still have this luscious brown hair. Am I right?

Well, but how do you feel about those who are called heretics?

I have nothing against them. As I see it, this is pretty much like children and Santa. The children who believe get presents, the other ones don’t. Except that in this case, the non believers are not passing on a scooter or a Barbie that comes with its own car, their passing on eternity in heaven. And let me tell you, in Heaven, there are unicorns, pizza and nobody says stupid stuff like ‘YOLO’. Since they won’t enjoy all that, I think that’s just another reason so we should all be nice to them down here on Earth.

And what is your opinion towards all the different races?

I’m all for equality, I love everyone. In fact, I taught everyone on Heaven the choreography to Gangnam Style, and I even allowed Morgan Freeman to play me in Bruce Almighty, he’s like my brother from another mother. I respect all of my daddy’s creations.

How about women?

I must apologize to all men, but let’s face it, they’re the one who spice things up in life. Plus, they have the power to conceive, multitask and all that. Yeah, I like the ladies.

The next question, Jesus, may be somewhat delicate. A lot has been said and done about this, but I’d like to know your exclusive opinion on homosexuality.

Ah, thank you for asking that, Sophie. I want human race to consider this: if I was a homophobe, do you think I would have made Matt Bomer so good looking, or Neil Patrick Harris so awesome? And for all of those saying that “it is Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve”… I just have to say that making it rhyme won’t make you look less like a jerk. Don’t like gay marriage? Don’t get gay married.

Strong words Jesus, strong words. Following up, some of my readers asked that you would speak of miracles such as you turning water into wine, and walking on water.

Well…that was a long time ago. I was just a teenager and frankly my dad got pretty pissed about those things. The truth is that turning water into wine was a dare from St. Peter, and I only walked on water to impress a girl. I mean, all she spoke of was how awesome Moses was…and I’m way cooler than him. Sure he parted the red sea, but he wouldn’t have to do it if he could walk on water.

Concluding, would you like to leave a final message to everyone out there?

Yes. Treat everyone equal and eat your vegetables. Even the brussels sprouts, don’t discriminate.”

      I must say that after this interview I really felt inspired. That was, until I realized that Jesus had stolen my purse and that that beardy, hairy guy wasn’t Jesus Christ and was probably just a schizophrenic that went off his meds. However, although his mind wasn’t in the right place, his heart certainly was, so I think we can all learn a lesson from Fake Jesus.

      Whenever you’re fighting for equality, do what you have to do, remember: God impregnated a virgin, if He’s not playing by the rules, neither should you.

      This week’s assignment is almost over. But, once again, I have to thank two people. First of all, a special thank you to Poison Ivy, who reads through my weekly shenanigans without complaining. And last but not least, I’d like to thank the sweetest, most annoying guy ever, who actually inspired me to write this. Thanks S.

The Joker,

Sophie Grey