What's in a name? That which we call a rose/

By any other name would smell as sweet

-William Shakespeare, Romeo and Juliet

Hey there, fellow human.

Today I must address the extremely boring very serious matter of the evolution of English as a language and its different stages.

Oh Dear Lord… that sounded terribly dull… didn’t it? Well, how about I just summarize it for you? I’m not going to lie, it will still be pretty dull, but what can I do? I am not God (merely an unbelievable attractive mortal, not to brag). So please, don’t hate me when you yawn for the 13^th time while reading this; although I wouldn’t blame you if you did. However, I must confess I am not that worried people will hate this and stop reading my humble blog. Why? Because my only reader CAN’T stop reading my blog, given that she must grade it. I’m talking about you, Mrs. Rodeiro, sorry that you’re stuck here.

But I’m already all over the place, damn it Sophie, focus.

I was mentioning the evolution of English. Are you familiarized with the evolution of mankind? If you are, good for you, but this has nothing to do with it.

If you see things in a simple way, this is all about testosterone. Adults that are just grown up children with dangerous weapons who see other countries as the shiny new toy they must have. I say this because the evolution of English is all about conquests and invasions. First came the Romans, invading the Celtics, who later were invaded by the Anglo-Saxons, then the Vikings (Did they really wear those funny little hats?), then there was The Norman Conquest, which I assume was named after some guy named Norman… Confusing isn’t it? Is anyone else’s brain shaped like a pretzel?

The truth is that many English words take us back to the time when England was building its empire. They basically put on a blindfold, got into a ship and started sticking flags wherever they landed, taking their wealth, resources and, like that wasn’t enough, words. So, I believe we can fairly say that English doesn’t borrow from other languages. English follows other languages down dark alleys, knocks them over and goes through their pockets for loose grammar and vocabulary.

Now I’d like to establish a comparison between two different periods of the English language: Early Modern English and Late Modern English. If you – like me – have an English book that led you to believe that these two stages aren’t very contrasting (linguistically speaking), DON’T BELIEVE IT! The only aspect they share is how immensely and extraordinary mind-numbing it is to study them. The genius that came up with the idea of teaching this in English classes should be fed to hungry wolves. I already abominate History classes, did you intent to ruin English as well (a class I actually enjoy), or did you think I’d find it interesting if it came in a new package? Anyway, you’ll quickly realize that these two stages are utterly different. Has someone ever told you that sometimes what matters isn’t what you say, but how you say it? Rhetorical question by the way. If you’ve never heard of it before I’ll just assume you live in a cave with very good Wi-Fi connection… Bat Cave perhaps?

Allow me to exemplify. Shakespeare once wrote: “The course of true love never did run smooth”. When was the last time you heard such beautiful expression of a thought you ignorant fool my dear reader? Shakespeare knew how to say things smoothly, and so did the people of his time, I like to believe. Now, let’s translate this to the 21^st century. Shakespeare’s beautiful phrase about true love would probably end up as: “Yeah Bro, gurls R messed up!!”. I mean…. what the hell?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?! (Yes, I’m a fan of punctuation.) Ignoring the fact that people who write like that obviously lack depth, content and… well, a brain (no nice way to say this), I must ask: why are the people so possessed by abbreviations?? I’m drowning in stuff like LOL; LMAO; ROFL; BTW GTFO; S8, 4EVER… And ugh, the ones with the numbers are the worst. It’s not B4, it’s BEFORE. We speak English buddy, not bingo. Of course you can spare time if you write like that, but are five seconds that important? In five seconds you can do a lot, that’s for sure, but do things get done properly? I mean, you can insult someone in five seconds, but will that be a proper insult? Will it be the best insult you ever gave? – No. And if you’ll do something, you might as well do it right and don’t rush it.

So please, can’t we all just buy a dictionary, grow a brain, and discuss the beauty of a summer’s night dream instead of who saw the princess’ breasts?

The Joker,

Sophie Grey